The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize
