Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
this just has baby written all over it
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
