I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
