he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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