I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So many bounce houses so little time
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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