My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
