Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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