ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
