Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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