i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
