the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
