I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Randomize
