I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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