just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
