summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
