You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
