final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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