Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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