Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
