Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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