today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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