I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
