so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
