just come out here and I will go home with you...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
