Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
