Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Randomize
