It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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