I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
