i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
