I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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