I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
