he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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