this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
