cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize