She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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