Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
