I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
