I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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