whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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