I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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