I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
