I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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