If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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