I CAN MOONWALK!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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