Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
