I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
