last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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