i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
