I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
