she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
