Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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