i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
