Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
