i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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