I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
