So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
