I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
