I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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