dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
