I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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